Loving someone who abuses substances is exhausting and confusing.
Did you grow up in a household where one or both parents abused substances? Growing up in this environment can have lasting effects far into adulthood. It’s possible you were robbed of your childhood and had to become an adult at a young age to take care of yourself, your parents, or your siblings because the adults in your life weren’t able to get the job done. Maybe your parents missed important events in your life, and you were left questioning “how could they choose alcohol or drugs over me?” “do they really love me?”
Similarly, in romantic relationships with a partner who abuses substances, you can be left feeling wildly alone. Your partner may not show up for you in the ways that you need. You find yourself trying to fix them or cover for them. You have to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict.
You may be afraid of becoming like your loved one, have low self-esteem, or experience a multitude of other negative impacts.
As the child of an addict, you may have feared turning out like your parents. Maybe you expend all your energy trying to defy the odds and become separate from them in every way possible. Chances are, your efforts have been successful in escaping addiction, but not so successful in escaping the pain that lingers from childhood. Or maybe, you have found yourself repeating the pattern, using substances in an unhealthy way. Enter self-blame— “I should have known better.” “I watched mom/dad drink away their life and now I’m doing the same.” Whatever your case may be, there is hope to heal.
Loving someone who abuses substances can also contribute to low self-esteem. In the process of trying to understand why the affection and connection you receive is inconsistent, you personalize the experience, blame yourself, and believe you are unworthy of love.
Other experiences that are a common a result of loving someone with a substance use disorder include:
Lack of trust in relationships
Seeking emotionally unavailable partners
Feelings of hopelessness
Inability to tend to your own needs
People pleasing
Constant need for control
Finding yourself in a pattern of chaotic environments
The pressure is high and you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.
As you explore what it means to be in relation with someone who abuses substances, you might have stumbled upon the term codependent. Codependency can show up in a multitude of ways. We try to change the person we love and when they continue to engage in addictive behaviors, we take care of them, enable them, and help them avoid natural consequences. We seek approval from them (and other people) in a way that makes us bend over backwards. We carry the burden and believe we are the only ones who can help, feeling guilty when our efforts fail. We feel hopeful, followed by let down, over and over again. We lose ourselves in the process.
How can therapy help family members of addicts?
There is a great deal of grief when we love an addict. We grieve the childhood we never had, the parents that we deserved but didn’t get, or the relationship we dreamed of that turned into a nightmare. Therapy can help you process all that you've lost to addiction.
Therapy is also a great place to learn the skills needed to set boundaries, stop enabling, and focus on your own needs. You can learn how to detach with love, how to be supportive in a way that doesn’t stretch you thin. You can practice radical acceptance, and begin to let go of the sense of responsibility that you carry for your loved one’s actions.
You are so much more than “the child of an alcoholic” or “the loved one of an addict.” Therapy can help you explore who you are outside of this identity. What do you like to do? What do you need? How can you show up for yourself?
Begin Therapy & Find Support as a Family Member of an Addict in Asheville, NC
It’s hard to know how to support your loved one who is struggling with alcoholism, substance abuse or another addiction. Whether or not your loved one is actively involved in substance abuse treatment, you may need support processing your own complex emotions, finding ways to set healthy boundaries or otherwise navigating your relationship. If you are ready to begin therapy in Asheville, NC, our counselors would love to help. To get started,
Contact our counseling office to schedule a free consultation,
Meet with a therapist who understands addiction & it’s impact on families,
Begin therapy, regain your confidence in yourself & find healthier ways to navigate your family relationships.
Other Mental Health Services Available at Strive On Counseling
As Asheville therapists, we understand that every individual has a unique set of mental health needs. Therefore, we offer many services and forms of therapy. More specifically, our counseling services include individual counseling, anxiety treatment, EMDR trauma therapy, therapy for men, mindfulness, buddhist counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy, teletherapy / online therapy. Some other resources we offer include guided meditations, supplements, a list of books and other useful resources, and online courses. If you would like more information about any of these services, please reach out today, and begin therapy in North Carolina!